(Written to my younger self—perhaps the contents would have helped me, back in the day when I suffered as her.)
There are eight limbs of yoga, and the poses/stretches are only one limb (the third). The first limb contains the Yamas, which summarizes how we should conduct ourselves socially. Brahmacharya (moderation or self-control) is one of the Yamas. It is often considered to include control over sexual activity.
I would tell you that controlling sexual impulses and desires can and will help you connect with your life’s goals and attain your life’s missions, even if you don’t know what those goals are or if you deeply doubt that you have a mission.
First off, it must be said that humans are sexual beings. I’m laughing as I write this, because nothing could be more obvious, and it feels silly to say it. But we’ve been hood-winked. Vitality (which includes sexual energy) is a beautiful condition of life. The church and the market have distorted our notions around sex and projected all kinds of unhealthy protocols and ideas around it.
I remember a time when you were a young child, and experienced sexual energy as pure vitality, a joyful awareness of life energy. That energy felt sweet and innocent yet thrilling, as if it promised the potential for anything and everything to happen in this world. It fueled your play, your creativity, your curiosity. It made everything feel like an adventure, even just a walk down the street to visit a friend. Vitality felt like power, confidence, competence and courage--even liberation. Anything was possible, and every moment was unique and interesting. Even your hissy fits were fueled with the power of that life force, with unfiltered screaming and crying.
As children do, you and your friends explored each other’s bodies. There was one time when the neighborhood gang went into the woods and played a strip game. You were extremely sweet and naïve--and aware of shame and “sex is bad”. So, the kids kindly assigned you the job of "standing guard" (no one was coming) and you got to watch the game, too. Best of both worlds. It was nice of the group to acknowledge your discomfort, but that was probably due to your best friend’s presence. She had a standing threat to beat up anyone for any reason, even the boys. Long story short, someone told on us, and that night all the parents were on the phone processing the situation. Your (my) parents did talk to you about it, but dad had a smile on his face, if I remember correctly. He didn’t seem to think it was a big deal but told us not to do it again. It was embarrassing. Clearly, the gang already knew it was taboo since we went into the woods to hide the game. It is interesting to imagine how many young children have retreated to the woods to explore the mysterious realm of the human body. How many children have born the sting of rebuke from their community, for expressing perfectly natural behavior?
Society has perverted the sweet gift of sexual energy, through twisted and controlling marketing efforts, including the peddling of cars, clothes, lifestyles, etc. On the other end of the spectrum, there is the promotion of puritanical restraint by religious and political movements to exploit their funders and demonize the non-funders. Greedy forces are at work, promoting sex and promoting abstinence. And then there’s porn. Our vitality and sexual energy has been perverted. Instead of experiencing sexual energy as a liberating and empowering force, a person can become a slave to cultural confusion. Sexual relations can be a needy, desperate attempt to define yourself through your intimacy with others, through the distorted lens of society.
In our cult-y, competitive culture, we can feel like a commodity due to “internalized capitalism”. We judge ourselves (and each other) based on our perception of success in the boudoir, bouncing between the two extremes which society promotes (puritanical or perverse). As children, we are bombarded with sexual (and romantic) images and standards that are unhealthy at best and violent at worst. If you aren’t having great sex regularly, you’re a failure. You’re unattractive, unlovable, inadequate. If you are, you're a slut. There is the extreme modern example of the “incel,” an on-line self-identification of virgin men who hate women because they perceive themselves as unable to attract women sexually. They feel that they are owed sex and blame others for their own virginity. As with every unhappy person, they don’t realize the problem and solution lie within themselves. And with every unhappy person, unhappiness is an invitation to take responsibility for the quality of life’s moments. Sex and all things sexual are confusing, suffice it to say, especially since we are products of the cult’s confusion.
Sexual behavior is behavior, and behavior is a form of communication. Think about it: if you are angry, you may slam a door, give someone the finger, punch something. That’s because in that moment, you lack the words, the skills, or the opportunity to express your anger. Sexual intercourse is social intercourse. Humans may think they are simply seeking a physical experience, and that may work for many. But often we are seeking to fill an emotional, mental, or physical need that can never be met outside ourselves and doesn’t need to be. Sexual experiences often result in increased negative confusion because we are not entirely aware of what we are doing and why.
I would tell you to examine your confusion around sex, relationships, and your perception of loneliness. The loneliness illusion is a monster that feeds off itself, always lurking and demanding more. It can never be satisfied because fear can never be satisfied, when allowed to run amok.
Loneliness is resistance to the natural and necessary state: alone. Even surrounded by people—even you, born from the womb with a twin--you can only be alone in your unique experience of life. Once you explore your relationship with the condition of alone and investigate all the misunderstandings that create resistance, you will open to it with gratitude. You will discover your complete and whole-y (holy) existence. You can only experience this earthly realm from your own universe of experience. To exert your power as the God of that Universe, you must accept the reality of alone. The illusion of loneliness, the resistance to alone, impairs your power and detracts from your experience. Alone is a basic fact of life, and denial of the fact can only bring suffering. Acceptance of alone brings autonomy, courage and liberation.
Sexual activity is an easy way to stay distracted from (and confused about) your true self. It’s low-hanging fruit with many worms, especially for the confused soul who believes s/he is lonely. The confused soul believes that sexual intimacy will somehow fulfill something lacking within them, as if anything could be lacking within them.
I would tell you that you can have a loving, balanced and healthy sexual experience, if only you contemplate what that would be and how that might look, before plunging in. Explore your heart, mind, and emotions so that you can establish a foundation of self-knowledge (which brings respect, appreciation and even love for the self). This sounds simple, for it’s often said that you must love yourself to love others. But it isn’t easy. The first step is to examine the obstacles to self-love and self-respect. To open, you must examine what closes. Fear is always what closes.
I don’t need to tell you, but I will: you were raised in a perfectly imperfect world, where you collected many negative fear-based notions about who you are and how you must relate to others. Few can avoid this fate. But you can pick through the rubble of confusion, and examine each idea of inadequate, undeserving, unattractive, undesirable, and all the other misunderstandings as they arise. Eventually you will see just how senseless and silly they are. And as you remove each of these wispy veils of confusion, you will feel more liberated. Those wispy veils are powerful restraints. You will discover your own flawless self and be eternally grateful for it.
I would tell you yet again how grateful I am to you, my beloved younger me. You learned early that informal, casual sex did not satisfy you or enhance your experience. You taught me that, and I thank you. I would tell you yet again, as a reminder and a blessing: everything is unfolding perfectly.
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