Cleaning Out My Closet

I was cleaning my closet—the most dreaded, never-fully-accomplished chore. I faced the thing I’ve been avoiding: the bags of my writing. Inside said bags are printed essays, handwritten notebooks (dating back to 1977), folders, giant full envelopes, and so many scraps of paper of all sizes, shapes, colors and original functions (ie receipts, menus, lists with scribbles on the back). It also includes collected quotes from others.

I never look at the pile, unless I’m adding more to it. It weighs 27 pounds.

I tried to go through it today, but the quantity was overwhelming. The quantity! And some of it made me cringe. I started a bag of definite garbage, then stuffed the definite garbage back into one of the bags and put the whole thing back in the closet.

I'm thinking about burning it. Set it all ablaze and set myself free. I feel lighter at the idea. It could be a ritual to release the past to better occupy the present, or some such thing. Or maybe just carry it out to the curb on garbage day. There's interesting material in there. But I encounter interesting ideas regularly. And will I ever have the time or interest to look through every piece of paper? Doubtful. There are an infinite number of activities I’d rather do. So, do I leave it here rotting, for my beloved children to contend with upon my death? I’ve cleaned out my mother’s home, I can only imagine the burden that these 27 pounds (and growing) could mean to them. Dump the shit.

Then I think no. Hell no. It would be insane to destroy this treasure. There's fear of losing something priceless which could never be replaced. It chronicles my life in all its confusion and all its glory. But mainly its confusion.

The process of writing and collecting all the contents of these bags healed much of the confusion. In that, they they are holy to me. Which may be a perfectly good reason to burn them. Or not.

***********

Here are some quotes from the bags about silence:

“God’s one and only voice is silence.” Herman Melville

“The memory of God comes to the quiet mind.” A Course in Miracles

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

“Silence is the great teacher, and to learn its lessons you must pay attention to it. There is no substitute for the creative inspiration, knowledge, and stability that come from knowing how to contact your core of inner silence.” Deepak Chopra

“A person isn’t known by their words or actions, but how they deal with silence.” Me

“When there is silence, one finds the anchor of the Universe within himself.” Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

“Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall reclaim your limbs, then you shall truly dance.” Kahlil Gibran, The Profit

“This silence, this moment, every moment, if it’s genuinely inside you, brings what you need. There’s nothing to believe. Only when I stopped believing in myself did I come into this beauty.

Sit quietly and listen for a voice that will say, ‘Be more silent.’ Die and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign that you have died. Your old life was a frantic running from silence. Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.

Live in silence.” Rumi