I went to my wise dad for advice long ago, and he told me, “Stop ‘shoulding’ on yourself.” I laughed with delight when he said it, because it instantly made me feel lighter. While the problem was forgotten long ago, the advice has served me well. I still find that I “should” on myself, but now that word is a signal that I’m off-base. As I write my morning journal, if I catch myself “shoulding”, I immediately cross the word out. I substitute “could” or “might.” And I reflect that there is absolutely nothing that this idea of “should” supports, quality-of-life-wise. (And if my dad borrowed this advice from some published self-help book, which is possible, my apologies!)
“Should” confuses the situation, whatever the situation may be. It’s useless, as far as a concept. But when I’m “shoulding” on myself, it is an indicator that I may be off track or confused in some important way. I’ve learned to pay attention when “should” pops up.
Ignoring my life’s dreams and aspirations produced a lot of “shoulds”. “I should be writing.” “I should do yoga.” “I should eat healthier.” None of these thoughts have been productive because they started with a negative assumption that somehow, I was doing life wrong. And that is utterly impossible.
"Should” did direct me toward my inspiration, in a negative way. I am inspired to live my life writing, doing yoga, eating healthy, being healthy. My satisfaction is greater when I engage in these activities. But “shoulding” never helped. It dug me deeper into a hole of negativity about myself and all the “shoulds” I should be doing. The more “shoulds” piled on me, the harder it was to dig out.
Pay attention to “should.” The first step to changing anything is to pay attention. Awareness is always the cure. As you watch the “shoulds,” they will slowly depart from your lexicon and your burden will be lighter.
If an idea or activity inspires you to learn, explore, play, create, but you are stuck in old habits—find a different way to approach the situation. Take “should” out of the equation. If you are stuck, there is a reason why you are stuck. And the reason is probably fear. Examine it. Dive into whatever is blocking you and get to the heart of the misunderstanding or confusion. Write (right) it out, ask yourself: why am I not _____ (fill in the blank)? Why do I avoid yoga? What stops me from pursuing these things? Why do I feel constrained? What can I do to alleviate it? You will find that the answer to that last question is always the same: return to this moment. This moment is easy--or it can be if you fully accept it as it is, without the “should.”
This is the secret to satisfaction: return to this moment. Return your attention and awareness to this actual moment. The only thing that requires your attention (if you want it to, and you do) is this moment. Once you are back at “home base” then you may be able to make some different choices, as far as how to experience this little specimen of a moment. Can you allow it and yourself to be exactly as they are? If not, why not? Opening is a practice, like any other skill. When you open to the moment, you open to yourself, for they are entwined. And all things feel possible in open liberation.
If you become aware of that dark cloud of “should” raining down on your experience, it is merely a reminder: Return to this moment. Open to it. All is well.
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