…my car.
Car-rie. That was her name when she was gifted to me, and the name felt perfect.
At 300K miles and 23 years, this luxury sedan is the perfect combination of opulent automobile and jalopy. The cracks in the leather driver’s seat grow larger daily. The original paint job faded long ago. The alarm blasts an enthusiastic greeting every time I unlock the driver’s side door. Both front cup holders are broken, so the morning coffee is held between my legs, in a challenging game of mindful skill. And one freezing morning last winter, the radio dial fell off in my hand, leaving a utilitarian metal stick in its place.
My immediate reaction to the devastating dismemberment was informative. As I sat there, shocked, staring at the brittle plastic dial in my gloved hand, the immediate thought and feeling was, “I am a broke-ass loser.” The blinding, bitter sunshine seemed to mock me. But just for a moment.
Wisdom reframed the situation quickly. This car is far more luxurious and advanced than the vehicles of kings, just a short time ago. And awareness of my negative response did it's job. It shifted the internal dialogue to to gratitude and healed another layer of confusion. Once again, awareness brought me back to Open.
Car-rie reflects what’s important. She represents full acceptance of each aspect of my life. In her advanced age, she represents the temporary nature of life. She represents freedom.
Needing nothing has much to recommend it. The absence of seeking something new, different, “better,” is liberating. Chasing after things, people, and situations is a burden, a mental and emotional deficit that detracts from the only moment that is.
Connecting fully to this one sweet moment, with no resistance nor need for anything to be acquired or different, is a practice, an aspiration, and a blessing.
If the need arises, I will shell out the money and maybe take on some debt to get another car. With gratitude. But that is a situation for future me to manage. Meanwhile, self-inflicted deficiency is oppressive. I’d rather be here now. Unconstrained by wanting. Free.
Car-rie and Carrie will continue to explore this earthly realm together, until we don’t. That fact is a lesson, and a gift.
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