She Is What She is

Sometimes I hate myself. To put it more accurately, there are things about my personality that make me cringe, blush, regret. I talk too much. Words come out of my head without thinking. They may be hurtful, embarrassing, not my business, or inappropriate in any number of ways.

There’s another side of my character that people seem to find charming, fun, caring, enthusiastic, witty, and wise. I tend to forget that when I’m berating myself for an impulsive mouth. I had a sweet reminder recently. I was at a public event and saw an old friend and dear person. (Hi, dear person, you told me you read my blog and I’m deeply grateful! It was wonderful to see you!) She said that my words at her mother’s funeral were perfect, and she never forgot them. I instantly cringed. "Oh God, what did I say now" is a common reaction.

My friend asked if I remembered what I said, and I sheepishly admitted I didn’t. She said that everyone was sharing stories and memories of what a good, kind, sweet, angelic person her mom was. Eventually, I got up and said something along the lines: “I hear everyone sharing these words about what an angel she was, but that’s not the friend I remember!” She said everyone laughed, as I memorialized her twinkling, mischievous eyes, and her spicy, feisty side. Okay, I don’t remember what I said, but that’s how I remember her. And that’s how her daughter remembers her, too.

This got me thinking. Our personalities are what they are. They were formed when we were young, vulnerable, innocent, and developing in an often strange, harsh, and confusing world. We developed our interpersonal skills early. We may spend the rest of our lives living with them, unchanged and stagnant. We suffer if stuck in an old character that can't serve us fully. For example, when we struggle to control what can't be controlled, and neglect self-control when we can, we suffer. When we resist what’s happening, we suffer. When we unintentionally choose fear over action, we suffer. When we fill ourselves with negative self-judgement, as I did above, we suffer.

We know better. There’s a spirit within us that has confidence in ourselves and in our dreams. It wants to set goals, take risks, and to try. It is fearless, easy, and open. It flows smoothly and feels free. It's the very best of us, wise, courageous, kind, authentic, honest, and generous of spirit. It's accessible, if only we pay attention to ourselves and listen to it.

Yoga is the practice and goal of uniting the personality (the seen, the known, the costume) with our Supreme version (the Seer, the Knower, the Guide) and to our most satisfying lives. It is the study and practice of how we're doing life. It's focusing attention inward, exploring what’s going on, what we're doing and why. It's awareness, even being aware of our unawareness--which may be the most powerful tool of all. If we aren’t “doing” life, life is doing us. And if we aren’t managing fear, drama, resistance, self-negativity and unfortunate habits, all that messiness is doing us. And the cycle continues until it doesn’t.

This is all to say, the personality is what it is. And I thank mine sincerely, because she knew something serious was faulty in the experience of herself. She was lucky enough to recognize that suffering was an option she was choosing. She was miserable and brave enough to study why. And she was blessed enough to realize a Supreme version of herself lies within, which always guides her to a complete and satisfying life experience…when she shuts up and listens.

She is what she is. And she’s forgiven for being an asshole sometimes.

If you’ve gotten this far in life and this far in this blog post, forgive yourself. You are what you are, and you’ve got a Supreme version going for you. Nothing else is needed.

“God has entrusted me with myself.” Epictetus